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The 36 questions to fall in love: a full guide
The 36 questions are a set of increasingly personal questions written for a 1997 psychology study by Arthur Aron and colleagues. Two people take turns answering them in three sets over about 45 minutes. The idea went viral after a 2015 New York Times essay. This guide explains how it works and how to try it.
Where do the 36 questions come from?
They come from a 1997 paper by Arthur Aron, Edward Melinat, Elaine Aron, Robert Vallone and Renee Bator, “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness”, in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (the paper). Pairs of people spent 45 minutes on tasks that grew steadily more personal, and the authors compared how close they felt afterwards with pairs who made small talk.
The questions became famous in 2015, when Mandy Len Catron described trying them in “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This”, a Modern Love essay in The New York Times.
How do you use the 36 questions?
- Pick a quiet hourAbout 45 minutes, phones away, somewhere comfortable.
- Take turnsOne of you reads a question, you both answer, then you swap.
- Go in orderThe sets get more personal as you go.
What are the three sets like?
| Set | Questions | What they feel like |
|---|---|---|
| Set I | 1 to 12 | Light and curious. The first one asks whom you would invite to dinner, and another asks what a “perfect” day looks like. |
| Set II | 13 to 24 | More personal. Dreams, memories, and what you value in a friend. |
| Set III | 25 to 36 | The most personal. What you appreciate about each other, and what you would want a close friend to know. |
The full list is in the paper. You do not need all 36 for a good evening. Many couples split them across a few nights.
Is there a way to answer apart first?
Yes. In the study, people answered aloud, taking turns. Another way to use the idea is to write your answers on your own first and then compare. You hear what your partner would say before their words are shaped by yours. Here are six questions in the same spirit, written for this guide.
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01
If you could have dinner with anyone, who would it be?
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02
What does a perfect day look like for you?
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03
What are you most grateful for right now?
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04
What is something you have wanted to do for a long time?
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05
What is your most treasured memory?
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06
What would you like a close friend to know about you?
You can also try twelve real Eterna questions in Questions for couples, or use a weekly check-in for a regular habit.
Where does Eterna fit?
Eterna also asks questions in a set order, but each of you answers alone first, and The Reveal shows both answers once you have both answered. It is an iPhone app, and Book 1 is free.
Frequently asked questions
Do the 36 questions really make you fall in love?
Not by themselves. The study was about creating a feeling of closeness between two people during one session. Many couples use the questions as a structured way to talk. What you feel afterwards is your own.
How long do the 36 questions take?
About 45 minutes in the study. At home, couples often split them over two or three evenings so nobody feels rushed.
Can I use them with someone I have been with for years?
Yes. Long-term couples often find that the questions bring up things that have not come up in a while.
Do I have to answer all 36?
No. Skip any question you do not want to answer, and stop whenever you like.
Can we do the 36 questions over a video call?
Yes. Many couples do. Take turns reading each question and give each other time to answer.
Eterna does the hiding and the showing for you.
Your partner can’t see your answer until you’ve both answered. Then The Reveal shows them side by side.
